a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

(Source: dictionaryofobscuresorrows)

the satisfaction of lists, a series of bullet points being fired into the air as if to celebrate victory against the complexity of a universe that bombards us with five exabytes of data that would paralyze us if we didn’t connect random dots into constellations of dippers, hunters, and sexy ways to please your man

went back in time tonight. it seemed like the only fitting thing to do.

realized I really just miss.

but there’s nowhere left to go but up?

I’m so sick of not sleeping and I’m even more sick of myself.

I miss so many things. Everything and everyone is so far away that sometimes I can’t believe that they were ever part of this life. As much as I try to move forward and try to make something better of myself, I still can’t help sliding backwards. I wish that I could sort out every thought in my head, I wish that I could make myself be someone different, I wish that I could go back in time and change everything, I wish that I could re-wire my brain so I can’t dwell on the same fucking shit day in and day out, and what I REALLY wish is that wishing actually meant something.

Now I decide whether I: a) try to “sleep” (aka lie in bed awake) for a couple more hours until my originally planned wake-up time and HOPE that I actually get my shit in gear and do what needs to be done, or: b) stare at my computer until I actually DO fall asleep and just sleep all day. Does it really make a difference?

Last day of February. Yet another month that’s passed without me even noticing.

I think I made a large mistake that set me back a few months and a few dollars. 

also, completely unrelated, I had a dream last night that I can’t stop thinking about and has me in a weird limbo about whether or not I need to confront and resolve this weirdness that I now realize follows me everywhere I go. I didn’t even know I was bothered at all anymore until I woke up with that weight on my heart and a confused brain.

is it possible to care so much that it’s just easier to convince yourself you don’t care at all? yes, yes it is.

decent day.

unbearable night.

repeat seven times weekly.

if I would rather rewind three years to un-fuck everything up or just give up. option a sounds lovely, but option b is actually do-able.

goodbye.

dictionaryofobscuresorrows:

n. frustration that you’re not enjoying an experience as much as you should, even something you’ve worked for years to attain, which prompts you to plug in various thought combinations to try for anything more than static emotional blankness, as if your heart had been accidentally demagnetized by a surge of expectations.

I’ve been actively hiding from the world since New Years Eve/Day (same thing, really) but I only just realized that I haven’t really been doing anything out of the ordinary because I am constantly hiding from the world.

I am procrastinating on making new years revolutions (yes, I meant to put the v there), because they always end up being nothing so this year I will make ENTIRE LIFE REVOLUTIONS and maybe try to be a person.

This was really pointless but I felt like I should write something to try to sort my head out but I clearly did not succeed. I think that will take more than a tumblr post to no one.

Cheers.

dictionaryofobscuresorrows:

v. to desire a way to somehow force a cat to notice you, which would reassure you that your inner experiences are real and could someday have an impact on this world.